Respect the body, mind and soul

I haven’t written in a while and I have no reason why.

So my new yr was crazy. We spent it by Times Square, along with others who decided to stand in the snow/rain for 9 hrs just to see the ball drop, which takes about 60 seconds.

Hopefully my new year will make happiness last for over 60 seconds at a stretch.

Last night as I was watching the Telly, I saw E! Investigates on prescription drug addiction and it got me thinking. I am thankful to my parents and to all those who’ve had a role in my life for keeping me off drugs, alcohol or any such morally and physically destructive indulgences.

I saw these people get violent withdrawal symptoms and see their body wither. It made me cringe but I also wished they made better choices in their life. And in some way, through their life, I can make a better choice in my life.

The human body is a miracle worker. In so many ways that we take for granted our body is the most intelligent and understated creation. We bleed, we heal. We make life, we create. We breathe, we replenish and we are ALIVE.

The ‘we’ here stands for our awesome body.

It’s not like I haven’t tried these substances. Though I must mention I’m not in favor of OTC drugs for a silly headache or back ache. I give my a body a chance to self heal and if not then I take the medicine but not at a blink of an eye.

I’ve tried weed, but didn’t find myself longing for it. I never had a taste for alcohol or even wine for that matter. Even nicotine, I do smoke like maybe once in 2 months or something but I just respect my lungs. They are doing their job so  who am I to poison it? And for what? Lung cancer?

I don’t think I’m abnormal for all that but I definitely think I’m lucky to steer clear of those vices. Of course I’m lazy and for me that’s my vice.

On tv I saw people with their stories and most are 35 yrs and below. It broke my heart to see their families talk in their absence and got me to re-evaluate myself-mybody.

My body is mine and I’m responsible for that. I’m not going to get into the ‘who am I, who is me’ spiritual catch 22 discussion now, but I want to share this with you.

I want to be healthy not just by not being a consumer of addictive substances but to be healthy- mentally and physically. I can control that can’t I?

I want to live to see the Serengeti, the northern lights and to experience outer space and of course to have the Todd lambskin handbag, which FYI is $3000 and strut around in Louboutins with the most ridiculous hair cut and style.

A woman can dream alright.

So I decided to give Yoga a shot. More like pilates and just to be able to control my mind, cuz it is crazy. It’s scary man to lose your mind. I mean what if I never realize the difference between reality and dreams? I would want to be that vulnerable and certainly would want to protect my mind. In the past few days I’ve started drinking white tea by Twinings since I couldn’t find a better brand in the grocery store. I heard it’s better than green tea and honestly it’s one step to a healthier life. And it’s an easy one.

My dear bloggers, as I wish for your best health and happiness I also earnestly hope for us to live a clean and sincere life.

Respect the body, mind and soul.

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What do I do next?

I am the epitome of laziness and of someone who wastes every given opportunity for a reason that’s as elusive as the Snow Leopard.

I left my under grad mid way cuz I couldn’t attend classes anymore…out of sheer lack of interest rather loss of interest. Then I got married to someone I barely knew and luckily that worked out and he’s the first guy with whom I can be pretty even in ugly clothes and a face with zits. I can even have frizzy hair and he wouldn’t find that ugly but he’d find it humorous. How awesome is that?

I am happy for that but apart from it my life is really blank in terms of goals or a vision.

It’s not that I don’t have the resources to do it or family support. I have both to my best advantage but what is lacking is will.

I have zero will. Absolutely no will.

There’s nothing I want to become or no profession I strive to be in. I’m just a human with no long term aspiration. If you ask me over the top of my head I’ll say ‘I’d want to be a tourist/explorer’ but I want to stay in luxurious hotels. So for all those backpacking enthusiasts I can’t become a ‘professional travel person’. So that way a lot of what I’d want to be is not ‘realistic’ as people would quip.

I not a consistent person. I might  really want to change but the  next day I’ll revert back to my original ‘with-no-strings-attached’ kinda lifestyle.

It’s not what I want. I want to feel needed for my skill. I don’t know what that is. I doubt I even have a skill. Maybe some people are born with no talent as such. Or perhaps they’ll never realize it. That’s one and the same for me.

And you know I’m not depressed or unhappy at all.In fact my I might be a bit more of an optimist and view the glass as half full kinda person. I love humor and seek for it in everything. I cut myself in feb 07 and was depressed for a few weeks. I did that to myself. I still don’t know how. And it’s not cuz of any ‘relevant’ reason. No real problem and in someway that was my problem. Life was coming easy to me and everyone was so nice to me that it got to my head. I never did drugs and neither do I drink or smoke. I just don’t enjoy them. Technically my life is ‘clean’ in every single way. I just fell in a rut somehow.

My parents are angels. My mum flew to me and snapped me out of my self created nightmare. I was healthy within a week from that incident and have never thought of it again. Of course I spoke of it to my husband who gave it a healthy reaction saying shit like that happens. No big deal.

True.

You know I never wanted to die. That wasn’t my intention. I wanted to feel pain. I wanted to find pain cuz I didn’t know why people hurt. It’s almost like wanting to experience weed for the first time. No offense for the analogy but I just can’t pin point a reason.

Nevertheless I found myself laughing within weeks since that ‘event’. I even got a tattoo by my wrist where I had cut. It’s says ‘live forever’ in Chinese. Don’t ask me why I didn’t get it in English. That’s what happens when you get a tattoo on impulse. And Live forever is one of my favorite songs by Oasis. It reminds me why I smile. Life is beautiful.

And yes I love my tattoo although my husband doesn’t. It’s pretty small and someone how I like the subtlety of it.

Back to my vision-less life. I just feel like I’m wasting time. Everything is going in my favor. Life is great but the problem is I’m not doing anything special with my life. I don’t know what my calling is. I want to find that out.

My one goal is to get a degree. I’ve applied for distance learning. And hopefully that’ll at least be some sorta goal. Right?

My 2nd goal for the year is to visit Japan. It’s something I’ve wanted to do real bad and although it’s super expensive given my rigidity over a good hotel, I still dream of it.

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So your crush is dating somebody you know. Ouch.

For all those who analyze relationships, let me put this out. I love my husband. No doubt about that.

So what was different this morning that led me to reminisce yet  another failed crush? Last night while I was doing a daily tour of my ‘friends’ profiles on Facebook I came across this one guy X whom I once had a crush on. Basically he’s dating this one girl I sorta know. At least I know how she looks. She the ‘pretty-without-makeup’ kinda girl. I went psycho for about 4 seconds and then ate gorgeous alfredo pasta with my husband and though life is beautiful.

Now back to my pathetic past.

So X is very attractive and smart (brain-wise). We worked in the same organization- yes despite my lack of a Bachelors degree I got the job. It was for a copy writer for the lifestyle section of a newspaper. My editor loves fashion and I do too. That’s how I got the job I guess.

Anyway back to X. So at the time I kinda hatched a devious scheme with another guy friend of mine, who had a thing for me and also knew X pretty well, to set X and I up on a ‘blind’ date. I still don’t know why but he introduced X and I and although X is way hotter than I am/was, it didn’t deter me from hoping for something. In fact he seemed to come around once I started text messaging him and he was even replying back. I was so thrilled that finally some spark of interest in my lackluster love life. My life was starting to look more exciting.

A week later I made up some crap reason to meet him at work. I even wore a pretty top and tried to make the most of my decently in-shape body. I don’t know what he thought of that but I left it at that cuz I had another on-off crush popping back in my life at that point so I totally left X alone, as in, no text messages.

Then out of the blue he sends me a message saying ‘what’s up’ and my life had changed that day, well before he sent me that text message. I got engaged to some idiot (think Britney Spears). Well in my case I did it for my parents who really liked that guy and my life was looking like a mess and I just said okay to that proposal without thinking.

And to make my situation all the more complicated X knew that guy I got engaged to. Yes, that’s how much it sucked for me.

Best part yet, I broke off that engagement within a week of it. I knew I couldn’t compromise on that one thing. I just couldn’t make myself love someone.

Obviously X was gone with the wind. I never moved on from failure to launch (of that crush story) and there I just saw my life change).

Sometimes I wish we never are judged for our actions. At times I day dream about too-good-to-be-true scenarios where I’m looking the best anyone could, I’ve got the best job and I bump into X and have him awestruck.

YEAH RIGHT.

I guess I really have to not suck that much.

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I’m friendless. I don’t know how to make/find a friend. Help please

Yikes. That is a sad sad thing to know about yourself.

It’s true. I don’t have any friends and neither do I have any fun ‘pictures’ or ‘photos’ to put up on Facebook or at home.

One thing that might have a lil to do with it is that I recently moved from one country to another so BIG difference there. I just got married and husband lives here. I don’t work cuz I don’t have a degree cuz I abruptly left this awesome university midway.

I just really suck.

And did I mention that I never really was good at making friends. Really. I had acquaintances but no definite friendship. Yes a couple of people wish me on my birthday and I do have like 1-2 friends with whom I can have the ‘girl talk’ but I don’t think I’m someone whose really had a group of friends ever. I mean that is so pathetic.

I’m so exhausted living a friendless life and I’m shy and difficult to be around. I get all frazzled up as soon as I’m in a group setting and then I almost teleport myself to Planet loser while people around me are having a great time.

I was also very conscious so I wouldn’t be caught dead in my pjs or bad wavy hair and a zit on my face.

But one good thing after marriage is I’ve become a lot less conscious (of course I still get upset on  spotting a zit) and I guess don’t care about appearance as much as before.

I want to find friend and have an amazing time walking through the city catching the latest movie or lunch or just shopping and rebuild that good old memory of what it was to have a friend.

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I…

I believe in the moon landings

I believe in good things

I believe in God with no religion

I believe in peace

I am a little liberal

I am a little conservative

I say good you say bad

I see see hatred but I feel love

I am a bit of you and a  bit of me

I am everything I see

The world is a beautiful place

and so are we.

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For the love of shoes

Early today my husband left for his LSAT test while I carefully planned the next few hours unbeknown to him. Like I’ve mentioned already I’ve just started driving. In fact I miraculously got my license, which I attribute entirely to luck and not my skill. So really in less than 3 weeks I got it from the time I figured out what the driver’s seat felt like.

Why am I telling you about this? Cuz today I nearly died of horror when I lost my way to the mall.

After the husband left I checked the weather. There’ s a snow advisory in effect from late afternoon so I was all clear to leave by 8:15am today morning. Then I put on some eye liner and grabbed my CK sweater that I bought on Black Friday and hopped my way across to the car after my standard prayer to God to save me on the road if anything. I saw the news yesterday and heard about that horrific accident in NY.

Then as I was happily off to my secret rendezvous with some more shoes, clothes and chocolates, I couldn’t figure out that damn GPS (which btw goes on to save the day) and entered the nearby street name cuz it wouldn’t accept the mall name. Obviously I the GPS and I didn’t hit it off on the right note.

After that I was feeling pretty good the driving and excited to see the mall after a week until I took one right turn too short of the actual one. BAM! Nervous attack commense.

I kept wandering about in unknown territory and my god I was having a nervous breakdown. I kept telling God to help me this one time and that I’d never venture about without telling my husband esp if it’s to do with shopping. I know I blew off a lot on Thanksgiving and all but I’m hooked to it and this was one good way of getting me to not do it.

After an hour on being lost and trying to find my way back before I died off a heart-attack, I decided to let my GPS do the directing. And it worked. It was awfully scary cuz I had to change lanes on the highway and ppl were honking although I didn’t really know at whom. I’m assuming me?

Finally made it home. Safely. And I realized I’m bad at all covert jobs, including shopping behind your husband’s back especially when you promised to save more and spend less. See lying never worked for me. Today I thought I wasn’t cuz I would probably tell him. Okay maybe I wasn’t gonna…Well I learnt my lesson.

FYI: I’ve been to that mall at least 30 times in the past 8 months and just once when I went alone (Black Friday).

Am I really such a big dummy? I hope not.

Am I going to fare better next time? That’s yet to be seen.

Do I still want to go shopping now?

Hell yeah.

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Getting your wedding vows wrong…on your wedding day

Yes that’s happened to us. Being the loser that I am I didn’t want to write any vows or do the whole ‘fresh flowers, big cake, big dress’ thing. I wanted a destination wedding. If Reno, NV qualifies for a destination wedding destination then that’s what I got. Yeah laugh up.

So no wedding hassle or bridezilla outbursts but all I wanted was to get over with it so I could go pee. I’m ‘public-restroom’ phobic. I am. I just can’t touch the door knobs or any of the icky stuff. But on that sunny morning I needed to pee. We got the show on the road. I was smashing in a black skirt with a white blouse (in my defense, Reno+chapel of bells+old chapel lady+needed to pee) and my husband-to-be was wearing…uh…wow…I forgot (so that would translate to some moronic jeans+shirt combo). We were given 15m to prepare. Prepare? I don’t know like maybe not get married.

Clearly I didn’t utilize that time too well either.

As I walked down the aisle (like an 8ft aisle) we got to the part of exchanging vows. It’s not like we wrote down our ‘own’ vows. We just repeated what the minister told.

Minister: I thee wed

husband-to-be: I vee wed.

me: (Vee? vee? Did he just say vee. Yes he did. Okay control anger, laughter and wow he sure is a moron.) I thee wed.

Ta ta ta ta tan ta…you may now kiss the bride.

There you have it folks. If you can go wrong with such simple vows that you were just repeating then what can I say. Life is a joke. Learn to laugh with it not at it.

To this day case in point (my husband) and I are laughing at each other and with each other (depending on the situation i.e.)…obviously the one above is on record so too bad for him :P

Now that isn’t rocket science.

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