Category Archives: Convos with the husband

Getting your wedding vows wrong…on your wedding day

Yes that’s happened to us. Being the loser that I am I didn’t want to write any vows or do the whole ‘fresh flowers, big cake, big dress’ thing. I wanted a destination wedding. If Reno, NV qualifies for a destination wedding destination then that’s what I got. Yeah laugh up.

So no wedding hassle or bridezilla outbursts but all I wanted was to get over with it so I could go pee. I’m ‘public-restroom’ phobic. I am. I just can’t touch the door knobs or any of the icky stuff. But on that sunny morning I needed to pee. We got the show on the road. I was smashing in a black skirt with a white blouse (in my defense, Reno+chapel of bells+old chapel lady+needed to pee) and my husband-to-be was wearing…uh…wow…I forgot (so that would translate to some moronic jeans+shirt combo). We were given 15m to prepare. Prepare? I don’t know like maybe not get married.

Clearly I didn’t utilize that time too well either.

As I walked down the aisle (like an 8ft aisle) we got to the part of exchanging vows. It’s not like we wrote down our ‘own’ vows. We just repeated what the minister told.

Minister: I thee wed

husband-to-be: I vee wed.

me: (Vee? vee? Did he just say vee. Yes he did. Okay control anger, laughter and wow he sure is a moron.) I thee wed.

Ta ta ta ta tan ta…you may now kiss the bride.

There you have it folks. If you can go wrong with such simple vows that you were just repeating then what can I say. Life is a joke. Learn to laugh with it not at it.

To this day case in point (my husband) and I are laughing at each other and with each other (depending on the situation i.e.)…obviously the one above is on record so too bad for him 😛

Now that isn’t rocket science.

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Why the ONE you’re with is the ONE

Wohoo! So husband and I had a great time in the bedroom…needless to say my day wasn’t as great as that. Even today I was going ‘mental’ over a couple of issues, one being, well not being able to date anyone anymore. I know I know I’m more than a couple of months (9+ months) late in discovering that but hey are you here to judge me?

I thought not.

Today on a typical drive back to home the radio was on. Nothing like Sleepless in Seattle. That kinda stuff never happens in NJ. However what happened was quite subtly powerful and meaningful. The song has a lyric that said something like “can’t go in the direction of the past” and BOOM it hit straight in the gut. My gut has more authority than my heart. How did that happen? Well since my first and only crush bombed even before anything came off it I appointed my gut to do all the ‘dating decisions’. Well sorta.

What I’m getting at is that sometimes we might go back to the past because (a) it feels nice (b) feels therapeutic (c) option a+b (d) you’re not happy with current spouse/partner. For me it’s probably option (a) and that I’m always searching for ways to put myself in trouble. No seriously . I’m a shopaholic, a jobless, senseless, mindless and clueless, one at that. One thing I’m NOT is humorless.

What ever be our reasons if you can’t find a reason good enough in your mind then it means there isn’t one. In my case, if you’re the kind that’s always looking for the next hottest high heel, or exploring a country nobody has yet, or trying to find ‘logic’ in every fucking thing then let me be the first to break this to you (unless of course you happened to be smarter than yours truly, which might I add is a 1 in 2 possibility).

Here goes:

My partner/spouse must be the one cuz he’s isn’t into drugs, booze or reads TMZ. Oh wait that’s what  Hulk Hogan said about his current fiance. Dammit answer (a) taken.

Answer (b):

My husband is awesome. Period. My ex never took my hand when it mattered most. My fault or his but today the hand in my hand is that of a man sitting by me, preparing for his LSAT and planning our next vaca, while here I am…talking about my ex. Wake me up once I’m done being a loser will ya? So if you’re feeling what I’m feeling then fuck the ex and go hug your spouse/partner and thank him for being the wonderful companion he never promised to be and then kiss him for all the promises he kept.

Tadaaa!

How was my theory? It’s at least a 4/10. Okay give me a 5.

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Convo with the husband over high heels

Once every month (read: week) I like to stroll to the near by mall and check out clothes, shoes and what every woman loves- fashion. If for some lame reason I’m lazy that particular day then to compensate I surf the net. I love high heels. I obviously can’t walk in them and it almost like putting yourself through torture just to add 4inchs to your height. And I’m about 5ft 6inch…not bad I’d say but a far stretch from the 5ft 10inch models on the runway.A girl can dream!

On Black Friday I bought myself these awesome Guess shoes for $80 something. Originally they were $110. Some bargain huh!

I'm photography-challenged so bear with the 'pose'.

They had them in black but I liked these better.

And although I needed a size 7, I settled for size 61/2… the perils of fashion.

What does the husband have to say regarding my purchase?

husband: You’re not a model. Why do you need these?

me: I could have been had I been taller and with a few minor corrections…particularly my nose.

me: Besides Tom Cruise was shorter than Nicole Kidman…he didn’t care about his height. (I know bad example)

Husband: Yeah that’s why they’re DIVORCED.

me: Let’s keep the focus on the shoes not what an idiot Tom Cruise is.

Husband: Sigh. Women.

End of convo.

 

 

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Yeah.Right.Dummy

Sometimes I wonder how my husband can so innocently without intention buy the ugliest colors possible. Like it’s almost fascinating to me that we can go to the mall (which FYI he hates doing unless tricked into) and shop at a pretty decent store and yet he’d be at the checkout with the ugliest shade of brown or beige or some moron color that he finds ‘trendy’. And he’ll be nudging me to show how excited he is about his ‘purchase’. Yeah. Right. Dummy.

Our wardrobes are poles apart.

If you're still not getting what's so horribly wrong with them then that's cuz my camera made it look a bit nicer than they actually are.

a) He hates brand logos but somehow has excused 3 AX tee shirts (in the ugliest shades i.e.)I call them poop tee shirts.

b) I love color. I don’t like ‘bling’ on clothes but I like the combination of a neutral with a bright shade. Especially in dreary winter.

c) He won’t wear pink. Yes he’s on of ‘those’.

d) I love high heels. I’ve got a weak back so I can’t exactly strut around in them and it goes without saying my husband can’t stand the fact that it’d make me look taller! Silly is an understatement.

You see what I’m putting up with? Stacey & Clinton are you listening? Or for my friends in the UK, Trinny & Sussanah any piece of advice?

As a consolation he at least he lets me pick his clothes since he hates going shopping but his pink phobia better wear out cuz the pink shirt I bought him from J Crew is really smart. It’s not ‘girly’ like my husband so eloquently quips.It’s just that when someone is wearing poop colored stuff there’s no ‘turning on’ in the bedroom (even if he has Brad Pitt for a face). Ouch.

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…first my cooking and now my dressing? WTF!

If you know me well you’d know one thing better- to not get into an argument with me. And if the other end has my husband as my opponent then god help him.

I swear that coat looked better on me in the Macy's fitting room!

A few days back my fashion ignorant husband trespassed into what would now be known as the ‘no go zone’ (for him)- my style/fashion sense. Over the weekend we headed to Perkins for breakfast. So as I was dressing up he decided to wait until we sat in the car to unravel his impression on my choice of clothing.

husband: Um don’t you think you shouldn’t be ‘exposing’ at your age

me: (unable to comprehend what I just heard)…uh…(still in disbelief)…WTF! WTF DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? DID YOU JUST SAY THAT?

husband: calm down but isn’t that skirt a lil too ‘short’?

me: So? I’m wearing it over black tights (you dummy). And I’m a classy dresser not a trashy one. You knew that before you married me didn’t you? (doing ‘The Rock’s’ raised eyebrow)

husband: Okaaay but you’re 23 and married..(now points to the grandma walking by in a knee length skirt)…(trying to cite her as a fashion role model)

me: (jaw drops)…(trying to curb the Hulk in me from getting outside)… OMG you’re preparing me for your mom aren’t you? I knew it you guys just suck. You know what I’m not going to say a word. Let’s just eat.

husband: I’m sorry I just thought…(stop)…pass me the pancakes

me: ‘I’ ordered the pancakes. Order yours separately since you don’t like the way I dress anyway…blah blah blah

P.S for the husband: Love you hon but don’t ever critique a woman (read: wife) on the way she dresses or the way she cooks.

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