I am the epitome of laziness and of someone who wastes every given opportunity for a reason that’s as elusive as the Snow Leopard.
I left my under grad mid way cuz I couldn’t attend classes anymore…out of sheer lack of interest rather loss of interest. Then I got married to someone I barely knew and luckily that worked out and he’s the first guy with whom I can be pretty even in ugly clothes and a face with zits. I can even have frizzy hair and he wouldn’t find that ugly but he’d find it humorous. How awesome is that?
I am happy for that but apart from it my life is really blank in terms of goals or a vision.
It’s not that I don’t have the resources to do it or family support. I have both to my best advantage but what is lacking is will.
I have zero will. Absolutely no will.
There’s nothing I want to become or no profession I strive to be in. I’m just a human with no long term aspiration. If you ask me over the top of my head I’ll say ‘I’d want to be a tourist/explorer’ but I want to stay in luxurious hotels. So for all those backpacking enthusiasts I can’t become a ‘professional travel person’. So that way a lot of what I’d want to be is not ‘realistic’ as people would quip.
I not a consistent person. I might really want to change but the next day I’ll revert back to my original ‘with-no-strings-attached’ kinda lifestyle.
It’s not what I want. I want to feel needed for my skill. I don’t know what that is. I doubt I even have a skill. Maybe some people are born with no talent as such. Or perhaps they’ll never realize it. That’s one and the same for me.
And you know I’m not depressed or unhappy at all.In fact my I might be a bit more of an optimist and view the glass as half full kinda person. I love humor and seek for it in everything. I cut myself in feb 07 and was depressed for a few weeks. I did that to myself. I still don’t know how. And it’s not cuz of any ‘relevant’ reason. No real problem and in someway that was my problem. Life was coming easy to me and everyone was so nice to me that it got to my head. I never did drugs and neither do I drink or smoke. I just don’t enjoy them. Technically my life is ‘clean’ in every single way. I just fell in a rut somehow.
My parents are angels. My mum flew to me and snapped me out of my self created nightmare. I was healthy within a week from that incident and have never thought of it again. Of course I spoke of it to my husband who gave it a healthy reaction saying shit like that happens. No big deal.
You know I never wanted to die. That wasn’t my intention. I wanted to feel pain. I wanted to find pain cuz I didn’t know why people hurt. It’s almost like wanting to experience weed for the first time. No offense for the analogy but I just can’t pin point a reason.
Nevertheless I found myself laughing within weeks since that ‘event’. I even got a tattoo by my wrist where I had cut. It’s says ‘live forever’ in Chinese. Don’t ask me why I didn’t get it in English. That’s what happens when you get a tattoo on impulse. And Live forever is one of my favorite songs by Oasis. It reminds me why I smile. Life is beautiful.
And yes I love my tattoo although my husband doesn’t. It’s pretty small and someone how I like the subtlety of it.
Back to my vision-less life. I just feel like I’m wasting time. Everything is going in my favor. Life is great but the problem is I’m not doing anything special with my life. I don’t know what my calling is. I want to find that out.
My one goal is to get a degree. I’ve applied for distance learning. And hopefully that’ll at least be some sorta goal. Right?
My 2nd goal for the year is to visit Japan. It’s something I’ve wanted to do real bad and although it’s super expensive given my rigidity over a good hotel, I still dream of it.