Tag Archives: life

What do I do next?

I am the epitome of laziness and of someone who wastes every given opportunity for a reason that’s as elusive as the Snow Leopard.

I left my under grad mid way cuz I couldn’t attend classes anymore…out of sheer lack of interest rather loss of interest. Then I got married to someone I barely knew and luckily that worked out and he’s the first guy with whom I can be pretty even in ugly clothes and a face with zits. I can even have frizzy hair and he wouldn’t find that ugly but he’d find it humorous. How awesome is that?

I am happy for that but apart from it my life is really blank in terms of goals or a vision.

It’s not that I don’t have the resources to do it or family support. I have both to my best advantage but what is lacking is will.

I have zero will. Absolutely no will.

There’s nothing I want to become or no profession I strive to be in. I’m just a human with no long term aspiration. If you ask me over the top of my head I’ll say ‘I’d want to be a tourist/explorer’ but I want to stay in luxurious hotels. So for all those backpacking enthusiasts I can’t become a ‘professional travel person’. So that way a lot of what I’d want to be is not ‘realistic’ as people would quip.

I not a consistent person. I might¬† really want to change but the¬† next day I’ll revert back to my original ‘with-no-strings-attached’ kinda lifestyle.

It’s not what I want. I want to feel needed for my skill. I don’t know what that is. I doubt I even have a skill. Maybe some people are born with no talent as such. Or perhaps they’ll never realize it. That’s one and the same for me.

And you know I’m not depressed or unhappy at all.In fact my I might be a bit more of an optimist and view the glass as half full kinda person. I love humor and seek for it in everything. I cut myself in feb 07 and was depressed for a few weeks. I did that to myself. I still don’t know how. And it’s not cuz of any ‘relevant’ reason. No real problem and in someway that was my problem. Life was coming easy to me and everyone was so nice to me that it got to my head. I never did drugs and neither do I drink or smoke. I just don’t enjoy them. Technically my life is ‘clean’ in every single way. I just fell in a rut somehow.

My parents are angels. My mum flew to me and snapped me out of my self created nightmare. I was healthy within a week from that incident and have never thought of it again. Of course I spoke of it to my husband who gave it a healthy reaction saying shit like that happens. No big deal.

True.

You know I never wanted to die. That wasn’t my intention. I wanted to feel pain. I wanted to find pain cuz I didn’t know why people hurt. It’s almost like wanting to experience weed for the first time. No offense for the analogy but I just can’t pin point a reason.

Nevertheless I found myself laughing within weeks since that ‘event’. I even got a tattoo by my wrist where I had cut. It’s says ‘live forever’ in Chinese. Don’t ask me why I didn’t get it in English. That’s what happens when you get a tattoo on impulse. And Live forever is one of my favorite songs by Oasis. It reminds me why I smile. Life is beautiful.

And yes I love my tattoo although my husband doesn’t. It’s pretty small and someone how I like the subtlety of it.

Back to my vision-less life. I just feel like I’m wasting time. Everything is going in my favor. Life is great but the problem is I’m not doing anything special with my life. I don’t know what my calling is. I want to find that out.

My one goal is to get a degree. I’ve applied for distance learning. And hopefully that’ll at least be some sorta goal. Right?

My 2nd goal for the year is to visit Japan. It’s something I’ve wanted to do real bad and although it’s super expensive given my rigidity over a good hotel, I still dream of it.

Advertisements

5 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

“I hate to say it but…”

…my sis in-law is a pretty good person. Somehow I’m not fond of her. Maybe cuz she’s everything I am not and by that I mean she’s unfashionable, wears clunky heels and doesn’t have naturally straight hair yet says she does. On the same page she’s really hospitable like if you go over to her house for lunch (which they would have forced you to do over the weekend cuz they have nothing else to do I guess or they’re just being nice), you would be stuck there for a minimum of 6 hrs and I’m not kidding.

It’s just that I am not someone who’d ‘force’ my ‘niceness’ on people. Fine I’m just not as nice as her. Okay! Are you happy now? On hospitality I would give myself a 6 cuz I believe in self service I mean this is America isn’t it?

My husband has a really huge soft corner for his sis in-law. Obviously cuz she doesn’t shop (clunky heel person never shops) and doesn’t buy expensive shoes. Plus she’s the queen of deals. Unfortunately I have an expensive taste. I’m sorry I just can’t change my taste. Anyway my husband likes her more than his brother (whom she’s married to). And by ‘like’ I mean it in the most respectful sense, like a brother-sister kinda bond. Now I’m stuck cuz I can’t say much about the SIL in front of the husband. You guys know how that would sound right? I’d be the scum and there’s no way my husband would ‘see’ the ‘act’ of niceness by his beloved SIL.

Or maybe cuz she reminds me of Betty in Archie. The soft, sweet, and ‘homely’ girl vs the brat Veronica. I guess I’ve always identified myself with the latter. Oh well I’ve got Black Friday shopping to do tomorrow. Must prepare my husband with strategies on attacking all the stores and getting the best deal. At least he’d be happy I’m saving. If only I could find my Louboutins for under $250. Now that’s a far cry.

Happy Black Friday shopaholics and be safe. We want to be lady like always not like hooligans pushing and grabbing.

x

2 Comments

Filed under the in-laws